In many ways a child under the age of 5 is like a lab rat. You have to condition it to learn certain actions. Or to avoid certain actions.

Take for instance the concept of pain.

A child that hasn’t bumped his head on the corner of the coffee table will not know to watch out for table corners.

A child that hasn’t felt a bee sting will not avoid bees.

A child that hasn’t caught a finger in the car door will not be careful around  doors opening and closing.

The experience of pain teaches the lesson. Unfortunately.

In my son the concept of pain is vague. Very vague. The only time in his short life he really hurt was when he had a  nasal tube inserted in hospital 2 years ago. And a drip. But he seems to have forgotten that episode….

At the moment it’s like speaking to a wall when I warn him that he’s going to get hurt. And even worse, that his actions will hurt his sister. Or burn down the house.

“Don’t run with a fork in your hands! If you fall it’ll get stuck in your eye! “

Beady little eyes start sparkling and I can just see what that little mind is thinking: Oeeee, interesting! Major blood and oozing potential!

“Don’t bump your sister’s pram. She will fall out! “

“And then? “

“And then she’ll fall on her bum and get really hurt! “

Woweeee,  COOL! says that face.

“Will her bum explode??? “

“Don’t switch on the electric blankets on the beds!! “

“Why ? “

“Because you will set the house on fire!”

“And then?”

“And then we’ll have nowhere to live.”

“And then?”

“And then we’ll have to find a new house. “

“Can we go and live in East London by the sea???

See what I mean? Setting the house on fire has just become a good thing….

All he sees when warned is blood, guts and gore and lots of screaming and yelling and at his age those are all fascinating things.

The trick seems to be to not make it all seem so interesting.

Not ”Don’t hug your sister so hard. You will break her neck!”

But “Don’t hug your sister so hard.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE I SAID SO!!! “

And right there I’ve turned into my mother…how did THAT happen?

1. ”Friends”  forever posting photos of themselves along the lines of “23 new photos added” after being anywhere with tables and chairs and food.

2. A certain in- law in her usual “I’m – looking – for – my -second – husband ” pose in above 23 photo’s. Think big, wide-open stretched eyes and Boobville pushed in your face.

And teeth. Lots and lots of teeth.

3. Status updates starting with “How very blessed I am…………………sitting on a lounger on a beach in Greece/ sitting on the deck of the Queen Elizabeth 3 / on my way to watch the Northern Lights/ hanging out with Donald Duck ” ………………You haven’t been blessed, dear. You have blown the budget. And everybody knows it. So get over yourself.

4. Farmville, CastleVille, Make-a-BabyVille, Whatever-Ville requests. Leave me alone.  I don’t want to play with you on Facebook.

5.” If you “Like” our page you stand a chance to win 30 % off your first purchase at our online store”.  No guessing who the “winner” is here. Me, it’s not.

6.” Elaine Hutchin-Ward-Ellis-Briggs ( friend of Lorendia-Smith-Hughes ) just commented on the status of Polly Proctor-Webb”. Huh?  And this relates to my comment how?

7. Receiving e- mails about Elaine Hutchin’s face ( friend of Lorendia whatshername ) commenting on the status of Polly Proctor. 10 of them.

8. Receiving e-mail nr 11 : Polly Proctor thanking all of her friends for their comments.

9. Causes. Birds, dogs, rhinos.

Drugs, fetal alcohol syndrome, too-fat-for-15. Yes, I care.  I just  don’t care 20 times a day.

2. Answer questions about why we need soap, why soap makes bubbles, why soap goes on a sponge, why we can’t eat soap, why soap comes in different colours, why we don’t brush our teeth with soap, why soap shouldn’t be left in water for too long, why we have to buy soap in a shop, who makes soap, why they make soap, why soap a/b/c through to z.

3. Get 4-year-old out of bath. Threaten or bribe as necessary.

4. Get 4-year-old dry and dressed. Threaten or bribe as necessary.

5. Settle 4-year-old in front of Disney TV.

6. Put dry noodles in microwave container.

7. Check on 4-year-old. No, he’s not painting the furniture/ throwing the livingroom cushions at his sister’s head/ jumping on the coach. Open kitchen door for barking dog.

8. Place noodles in microwave. Do not add water.

9. Set on HIGH for 4 minutes.

10. Press Start.

CONCLUSION: More coffee, more chocolate, more shopping, more good hair days and less MIL makes this farmer’s wife a happy dinner-making Cinderella.

SIMPLE.