THIS TOO SHALL PASS. HAVE ANOTHER GLASS.

( No. I’m not suggesting that you “drink-and-parent” although sometimes that ice-cold white does take the edge off the lego you’ve just stepped on.)

 

I have several things on my parenting mind.

First thing

Two kids under the age of 5 must be the worlds’ ultimate contraceptive.  After a day spent saying “Leave-your-sister-alone-don’t-grab-her-toys-Don’t let her near-your-full-potty-call-Mommy-when-you’re-done-SHIT!!! Now-she’s-full-of-wee!!-I-TOLD-YOU-TO-CALL-ME-THE-MOMENT-YOU’RE-DONE-What? WHAT??-NOW-YOU-WANT-RICE-CRISPIES-YOU-JUST-TOLD-ME-YOU-WANTED-WEETBIX-WITH-RAISINS!! ” I’m just put off kootchie-cooing altogether. Kootchie-cooing was the thing that got me cleaning wee off a 1-year old in the first place.

 

Second thing

I love Nanny Nopop. I especially love her on a Monday morning when her glorious smiling face says :”Molo!” . And what I love most is her taking over nappy and bum wipe duty for a few hours each day.

 

Third thing

Irate children react positively to water and paint.

Water: Immerse them in it or cover a floor area of 5X5 meters with plastic and hand over a bowl to splash around with.

Paint : Cover an area of 5X5 meters with plastic. Also cover child with plastic. Hand over water based paint, paintbrush and paper.

Peace for at least 10 minutes guaranteed.

You can clean up later. ( while having a glass of ice-cold white )

 

Fourth thing

Children are lovely. Sometimes children are heavenly. Just-out-of-the-bath-baby-shampoo-smell-heavenly.

There’s nothing quite like a warm little body on your lap. Or a pudgy little hand around your neck. Or a wet  kiss on your cheek.

Or all of the above just before they fall asleep.

Ahhhhh….nap time. Don’t we just LOVE naptime…

 

Fifth thing

I love my children. Which is WHY I’m prepared to clean wee and paint and other stuff off of them.

 

Ice- cold white, anyone?

 

 

FEEL THE FEAR AND DROP OFF THE CHILD AT PLAYSCHOOL ANYWAY

 

Image via Wikipedia

7 DAYS BEFORE DROP OFF

1. THE LUNCHBOX

Assertive-yet-laid-back look ( green plastic ) . Check.

Child able to unzip backpack to get to lunchbox. Check.

Child able to get lunchbox out of backpack. Check.

Child able to open lunchbox. Check.

Child able to look pleased with contents of lunchbox confirming good parenting. Unknown. DAMN.

2. THE OUTFIT ( CHILD )

Easy pull- off pull- on underpants slightly too big so that child does not walk around school showing willy after going to the loo indicating bad BAD parenting. Check.

Neutrally cool looking pants. Check.

I-fit-in-yet-I’m-slightly-individual-T-shirt. Check.

Good-for-growing-feet-shoes indicating good parents with a good enough mutual gross income. Check.

3. THE OUTFIT ( MOTHER-DROPPER-OFFER )

Not yet confirmed.

4. SUDDEN UNSTOPPABLE SCRUTINIZING OF CHILD AND HIS MANNERS/LACK THEREOF

CHECK.

 

24 HOURS BEFORE DROP OFF

 

1. OUTFIT ( MOTHER-DROPPER-OFFER )

Control underpants. Check.

Purple cowlneck top indicating dignity and style. Check.

Black bootleg pants because was there ever any other working style? Check.

Earrings bought at Art shop indicating individuality and creative talent. Check.

Sunglasses indicating adequate gross income. Check.

2. SUPPLIES

2 rolls of toiletpaper. Check.

2 bars of soap. Check.

1 ream of drawing paper. Check.

1 bottle of washing up liquid. Check.

1 box of tissues. Check.

1 whiteboard marker. Check.

3.DOCUMENTATION

Immunization card, birth certificate, marriage certificate, ID. Check.

10 MINUTES BEFORE DROP OFF

Panicky all -over checking of child/backpack/lunchbox/outfit/supplies. Check.

Panicky last minute attempt at installing valuable life skills. Check.

Panicky attempt at not looking panicky. Check.

 

DROP OFF

DON SUNGLASSES.

SMILE and WAVE.

SWEAR UNDER BREATH.

 

 

 

Going On Holiday With Little People : Your Best Ever Accommodation and Sanity Guide

When my son was about 2 years old we took him on a beach holiday. I spent the entire holiday screeching “Get down from the ledge!  Get out of the fountain! Leave the cat alone! Do not touch the Royal Albert! “

This is when I realised that there should be a  ”small children hazard potential ” grading system for holiday accommodation.

DGT : DON’T GO THERE :

This type of accommodation is located on a hill and thus has hundreds of steps taking you to ground level. The moment you step outside you have to cling to flimsy railings in order to not fall to your death before you can leave for the beach.

THIS IS A DGT. For obvious reasons.

 

Then there’s the PHG : PARENTAL HYSTERICS GUARANTEED :

This is the type of place where the patio/barbeque area is a hazard.  Think “water feature”.  A soothing fountain of running water/ swimming pool  is exactly where your toddler will go every time you open the patio door . To get wet from head to toe.  After being bathed and dressed for the night in his cute, clean  pajamas.

This is a PHG. Drowning/ getting soaked potential. Every second of every day for your entire stay.

 

Then we get to the hired accommodation belonging to a sweet old lady with a love of Royal Albert tea sets and other delicate old lady ornaments. With pictures of the Queen and so.  Displayed on every flat surface.

This type of accommodation should be graded RAA. Royal Albert Alert.

Here is an example of a RAA. Sense the Royal Albert?

 

Lastly we have the HFP. Heavy Falling Potential . Think balconies. Think cliffhangers. Think I-do-not-want-to-stay-here-even-if-you-pay-me.

Example of a HFP.

 

 

What you want is a SFT : SAFE FOR TODDLERS grading.

No Royal Albert.  No hills . No slopes. No stairs.No ledges. No water feature.  Flat extended grass area. In fact , HUGE piece of lawn for running/ riding/rolling around on while parents take in the view. Wine glass in hand.

This is IT. Your perfect SFT holiday home.

And there you have it.

Simple really.

( ps. If anyone had shown me this post Before Children it would have struck me as a tad paranoid-obsessive. Now it just strikes me as logical. Parenting toddlers tends to do that to a person.)