I saw this book. “Have a new husband by Friday” ( Dr Kevin Leman) . And of course I don’t need or want a new husband. ( the old one is still working perfectly fine . Most days. )
What I’m always in need of ( being the eldest of 4 girls ) is INSIGHT INTO THE WORKINGS OF THE BRAIN OF THE MALE SPECIES. My own father wasn’t a lot of help. He was a sensitive, arty, softspoken architect.
So I bought the book. And read the book. And learnt the following :
Men in marriage have 3 basic needs : ( so Dr Leman says )
- He wants to feel respected by you ( DO NOT ASK HIM “WHY?”. HE FINDS THE QUESTION INFURIATING AND INSULTING AND WILL SHUT YOU OUT.)
- He wants to feel needed by you. Don’t flaunt your multitasking skills in his face all the time. ( “Darling. Please lend me that good brain of yours” will get you much further )
- He wants to be fulfilled by you ( yeah. sex. )
More conclusions :
It’s true. A man watching the Sports channel should be LEFT ALONE. He is on a different planet and will not hear you.
It’s true. Men take a long time to “work through” stuff in their minds. GIVE HIM TIME. Like a week.
It’s true. Men want to give ANSWERS and SOLUTIONS to problems. They DO NOT want to analyze them from every angle for hours on end.
It’s true. Men are visual creatures and will ALWAYS notice attractive ( other ) women. It happens automatically. So the doctor says.
Most men think at most times : WIIFM? ( What’s In It For Me ? ) IF there’s something in it for him, he’ll agree to whatever.
An example : You want to go shopping on Saturday. You want him to watch the kids. You tell him if he watches the kids for 4 hours in the morning you’ll do a,b and c for him afterwards. He thinks: there’s something in this for me. I’ll watch the kids for 4 hours.
MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN REMEMBER ABOUT A MAN :
He is still a little boy at heart. You will get the most out of a man by addressing this little boy inside.
THE FINAL POINT :
Men are the way they are. You will not change him into the equivalent of a sister or female friend. His brain works in a completely different way. If you want one, you have to accept this. If you cannot accept this, DO NOT MARRY ONE.
HOW DID IT TURN OUT FOR ME ?
I can’t say I had a new husband by Friday. I had the same husband and personally I felt like the shaken soda in a shaken soda bottle. READY TO EXPLODE.
That’s what happens when you spend your time suppressing “Why on earth did you…..?”
And I started feeling like a fake. “Darling, lend me that brain of yours” doesn’t sit well with me. I trust my own brain. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I can get ( most things ) done quickly and by myself, thank you very much.
Also, all the “complimenting the little boy inside” got me some funny looks. Looks that said : “What do you want? “
The “letting him think a while” over issues worked well. As an example, I mentioned last week Tuesday that I wanted to drive the 120km to the Big City this Friday. At first he seemed to ignore me. Three days ago he asked if I still wanted to go and what about the kids? I gave him the gameplan. Yesterday he said “So you’re going to the Big City on Friday then. ” He had 10 days to think about it. He got used to the idea. I’m going to spend his money in the Big City. Success.
The “fulfillment” part? He was fulfilled, I was fulfilled. No problem there.
Final FINAL conclusion ?
By all means study the male species.
By all means compliment, assure, praise.
By all means spend his money.
But turn him into a new man ? Ain’t gonna happen. He is what he is. The guy you married.