THE 10 ESSENTIAL PARENT CODES
1. LOL : Lights On Low : Child is 2 minutes away from actually sleeping. DO NOT SPEAK OR MAKE SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.
2. WTF: Wild Throwing Fit : Child is reacting to the word “NO”. Or has been told to go to sleep. Do not offer advice. At all. In fact, leave the room until all is calm again. Which might only be in the morning in which case you could/should slink away in your car. ( see point 1 above ). Leave the opened bottle of red wine in a prominent place.
3. MIA : Missing In Action : Favourite ‘doodoo” blankie/ rabbit/ sucker thingy has gone missing. ( see point 2 above )
4. N0 : Nappy Zero : There is nothing in the nappy so feel free to carry on making conversation.
5. N 1 / 2 : Nappy Half : The nappy is half full of wee but there is no crisis yet. Continue to make conversation.
6. N 1 : Nappy One : The nappy is bursting with wee and has to be changed RIGHT NOW. Excuse sudden break in conversation. ( do not finish the red wine .)
7. N 2 : Nappy Two : There is poo in the nappy. But it’s dry and solid and will peel off in one piece. Offer to change it. It won’t hurt. You can have some red wine afterwards.
8. NASGFT: NAPPY ALL SYSTEMS GO FULL THROTTLE : There is poo in the nappy. A Lot of poo. It’s runny and smelly and you might puke. DO NOT MOVE . You will sit this one out. You’re allowed to have one more glass of the red.
9. DNC : DO NOT CALL : Anytime between 17h00 ( bath time ) and 20h30. In fact, if you decide to call after 20h30 y0u will get no answer because everybody will be in bed. IF you get no answer after 20h30 DO NOT CALL REPEATEDLY to check if everything is OK. Everything WAS OK because everybody was in bed and asleep at last but you have now woken everybody up WHICH MAKES THINGS DEFINITELY NOT OK.
10.NC : NO COMMENT. Do not feel free to comment on my parenting skills/ the lack of a separate nutritional plan for each of my kids / my lack of immense glowing gratitude that I have these kids at times of extreme whining. If you DO feel inclined to comment at these times you deserve what is coming to you:
CNRHKYITF : Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick You In The Face.
( …can’t believe how quickly this post developed into a full-blown rant…..must be because I am AWO :
ALL WHINED OUT. )