CINDERELLA TRIPPIN'

….let there be shopping….

Archive for the tag “Cinderella”

CINDERELLA’S TOP 12 INSULTS


Oh woe is me. I did it again.

Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx (Photo credit: keoshi)

What did I do?

I thought of the perfect reply when it was too late. Too late to deliver the punch. Too late to recover from the oh-so-unsubtle sting. Too late to recover my dignity.

So I’ve decided to make a list of comebacks ( insults if you’re that way inclined ) as a reference for myself and other “too nice for our own good” people out there.

HERE GOES.

CINDERELLA’S GUIDE TO INSULTS

“”Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”
Groucho Marx

“”What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.”
Liberace

“”Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.”
William Dean Howells

“”I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.”
Irving Brecher

“If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?”
Charles Pierce

“In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.”
Ellen Glascow

“”I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.”
Steven Pearl

“You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.”
Wilson Mizner

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
George Bernard Shaw

“She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.”
John Cantu

“End of season sale at the cerebral department.”
Gareth Blackstock

“You are simply a shiver, looking for a spine to run up”

Paul Keating

THERE. I FEEL BETTER NOW.

DON’T YOU?

Advertisements

CINDERELLA’S 11 COMMANDMENTS FOR FIGHTING FAIR IN MARRIAGE


THOU SHALT NOT start sentences with “YOU” or “YOUR MOTHER”.

THOU SHALT  start sentences with “I FEEL”.

THOU SHALT NOT give any directional instructions  ending with “OFF”.

THOU SHALT NOT use any words starting with the letters “F’, “P” or “B” . ( refer back to commandment 3 ).

THOU SHALT NOT throw the Royal Albert tea set for thou shalt regret it. ( refer back to commandment 1 ).

THOU SHALT yell into pillows and towels  so as not to alarm thy neighbour.

THOU SHALT NOT bring up old fights for every fight deserves a fresh start.

THOU SHALT NOT pack thy overnight bag for marriage is a commitment.

THOU SHALT NOT air thy dirty laundry in public for the public shall not forget.

THOU SHALT NOT throw thy glass slipper for no fight is worth it.

THOU SHALT look at this picture and remind thyself : NOBODY IS GOING TO WIN THIS ONE.

A CINDERELLA STORY …7 toads, 1 prince and a pigeon pair


 

 

Once upon a time there was a girl called Cinderella. She didn’t have an evil Stepmother or anything like that, but she did have an evil STEPCAREER,  teaching rude high school boys a nonsensical subject called  “Arts and Culture” .  Trying to create an appreciation of Mozart in the minds of 15 year olds did not go all that well for her…

Cinderella hated her job and  she compromised for her unhappy career

by shopping. She had 8 clothing accounts and she enjoyed using every single one of them every day straight after escaping the school grounds.

Cinderella liked the idea of being a career girl and earning her own money, but still  she had to give herself a proper “peptalk” every single morning for years in order to get up , get in her car and drive to go and do  that job.

Between the ages of 18 and 37 , Cinderella had seven boyfriends. Toads.

She thought ( at first ) that all of them were changeable and that with a tinker here and there they all showed a lot of potential.

Plus it was important to have a boyfriend as this changed your social standing and it meant that you weren’t horrendously ugly.

Cinderella ( during those years ) did not feel that she was entitled to being  particularly choosy as far as dating was concerned , so she accepted ( almost )  all  dating offers.

After spending time with more than a few of these  toads , she asked all of them  :” ARE YOU MY PRINCE ?

Here are their answers in numerical order :


1.” Well, I did take a shot at my brother and I was arrested for that after you and me were together for 8 years, but other than my temper, I’m sure that I’m your prince…….”

2. ” I’m sorry, but someone else is having my baby………..”  after a relationship of 6 months…

3. ” I’m gonna marry you soon, it’s just that I’ve got no money and I’m using your car to work for MR DELIVERY and to visit my ex wife who smashed  all your side mirrors. Jeez, sorry about that…”

4. From Mr Big Ears :  ” The size of my ears indicate the size of my manhood………wanna see ???”     Well, just go show someone else the size of your manhood, why don’t you???????

5. ” I only meet up with girlfriends in pubs. I don’t “do” families and braais……….”

6.  ” I’m the head waiter at this restaurant , but the manager says soon I’m going to manage a whole new branch…..oh, yes, I haven’t told my current girlfriend about you yet……….and one last detail, I once spent a night in jail……………..”

7. ” I promise you I’m moving out and leaving her in three weeks time, before Christmas………”

It was a sad career in dating, but it sure passed the time….

 

After all of this , Cinderella decided to give up on ever meeting Mr Right, and she decided to just have a big “jol” at every opportunity. She had her own medical aid and pension scheme and her 8 clothing accounts ……….

So it happened that she was invited to a “girls weekend”.

It was fabulous. No man, no pressure, no BS.

While enjoying a drink with her two friends in the hotel pub, her Fairy Godmother saw her and asked : “So, tell me, have you met your prince yet ? “…..

Cinderella took one look at her and thought : ” Stay away from me you pubcrawling Fairy….”

But being ever polite, she said : “No. ”

“Well, I know who he is. Can he give you a call? ”

Cinderella nodded “yes”……

When nr 8 phoned she suggested that they go out for dinner.

“IS DAAR STEAK ?”,  the farmer asked.

And right away she knew that this was a different kettle of fish altogether……

He came to fetch her in his white 4×4 and together they drove into the suburbs to find a restaurant  with great steaks.

Let’s just say that Cinderella saw through the meat- eating- rough- exterior of nr 8 , and he grew on her…..

DID THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER ????

Yes, they did. Every now and then Cinderella’s prince makes her so angry that she says “FUCK” and “MOER” , but other than that, she’s happy.

She gets coffee in bed every morning.

And she has her pigeon pair….

And more love in her life than she ever thought possible…

Post Navigation