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Archive for the tag “Humor”

Perspective, Priorities,Prestik and Poo

In all honesty I’m not one to “take a deep breath and smell the roses”.

The words “settled ” and “routine” give me an intense urge to run. ( which is probably why I broke off my engagement to the farmer the first time and we ended up getting engaged twice. Having 2 rings was nice though… )

I tend to mentally tick things off and then look for “THE NEXT BIG THING”. Always looking for more, more, MORE…..surely there must be MORE???

So that up to now my life plan has progressed more or less  like this:

1. Get a degree. ( tick )

2. Get a job. ( tick )

3. Get thin. ( tick )

4. Find a husband ( tick )

5. Have a baby (tick)

5. Have a GIRL baby ( tick….lucky lucky lucky me! )

6. Study Journalism. ( tick )

7. Try to get into freelance writing. ( tick. sort of. )

8. Heck, why work for money when I could win the lotto? Or a huge Jackpot somewhere? And then we could go on luxury family holidays every 3 months and leave the farming stress behind us and I could spend weekends at a spa and have regular manicures and pedicures and hair extensions and who knows, maybe even a tummy tuck ??? ( tick for trying and not succeeding, who knew? )

Before you call the shallow police…I do sense the error of my shallow ways…

I had 2 sick children this week and 1 husband with the man flu.

Poo and puke has filled my days. Sticky hands and smelly feverish breaths through sleepless nights with worry knotting my stomach.

And oh, the relief to see they’re on the mend…to see the smiles return and the gradual brightening of the eyes…

Who needs the Lotto when you can have a slurpy wet kiss from your 14 month old daughter while your 4 year old son stands on your big toe with his leather shoe to also get in on the action?

There’s nothing like motherhood to keep your feet on the ground, stretch your coping mechanisms like Prestik  and turn your heart inside out is there?


An Evening In The Life Of Our Living Room Floor

Quotes are always impressive . Complicated quotes are even more impressive,  so lets start this with  one of them:

“I have always thought that one man of tolerable abilities may work great changes, and accomplish great affairs among mankind, if he first forms a good plan, and, cutting off all amusements or other employments that would divert his attention, make the execution of that same plan his sole study and business.”

– Benjamin Franklin


And now that you are suitably impressed and confused we’ll move straight onto the subject of our living room floor.

First up, the floor plan :



Our living room is where we spend our evenings as a family. BC it used to be a tranquil space with subtle yet cosy yet artsy ornaments and throws and candles and pot plants actually making a living ON THE FLOOR.

Husband sat in AREA 4 ( a chair )  and I sat in AREA 5 ( the couch ). With between us a little table where TV remotes and used toothpicks stayed where they were for weeks.  ( he likes using the same toothpick over and over to “save money”. He also breaks them in half to save even more money. Yes. I know. )

Since the birth of our children and them growing larger and larger daily I’ve had to come up with THE PLAN. ( refer back to quote above )

THE PLAN ( which has it’s roots in growing up with “Little House On The Prairie” and “The Waltons ” ) works like this :

1. Husband sits in AREA 4.

2. I sit in AREA 5.

3. Babygirl and her toys are in AREA 1. ( pink )

4. Son and his toys remain in AREA 2. ( blue )

5. AREA 3 is the fireplace and out of bounds for children.

6.AREA 6 is a no-go zone for kids. Imagine an invisible dividing line if you will. They will sense this because of where I’ve placed their respective toys.

7. The cushions and throws and blankets  in AREA 5 ( the couch) stay in place until the kids  fall asleep next to me/ on my lap.

8. No one under 5 touches the TV remotes and used toothpicks on the little table.

9. During the course of the evening the children come into AREA 4 and AREA 5 calmly and hug their parents occasionally before going back to playing contentedly in their respective areas.

10. We ( the parents) gaze lovingly upon our calm and loving and cute children every now and then before continuing watching our choice of TV programmes and reading our books.

11. When  they get sleepy the children move to the couch where they fall asleep gently and contentedly on my lap/ next to me on the couch.


This is how THE PLAN normally pans out:



More “Clash Of The Titans Ninja Warrior  Terminal Impact” than “Goodnight, JohnBoy! Goodnight, Mary Ellen…”

Kelly Corrigan

“If John Lennon was right that life is what happens when you’re making other plans, parenthood is what happens when everything is flipped over and spilling everywhere and you can’t find a towel or a sponge or your “inside” voice.”
― Kelly CorriganLift


Yip. That’s when it happens.





GOODBYE MR GREY. It’s not me. It’s you.

I’m on page 195 of “Fifty Shades Of Grey”. ( yes. I’m behind that way.)

I’ve sensed a vague irritation ” inside the deepest, darkest place of me ” building up since about  page 105. To quote leading lady Anastasia Steele:

and another one :

And one more :

Her of the “breathtakingly on turning pig tails and “unworldly innocent” virginity who made it to the age of 24 without ever kissing a man. Despite the fact that she is a” beautiful natural brunette”  with perfect skin and  the ability to absent-mindedly chew her lower lip in such a way that Christian Grey wants to eat her. Alive. After he has smacked her pert little  behind for being such a naughty girl.


The truth is, “Fifty Shades” just doesn’t do it for me.

Maybe it’s the repetition of certain phrases.


“His pants are hanging off his hips in THAT way. I can see that he works out. “( what way might this be? Anyone? )

“Oh. My.”

“Holy. Shit.”

“Eat your dinner!”

“Keep still!”

“My hips start tilting.”

And last but not least there’s the widening and narrowing and darkening of the eyes.

“His eyes widen momentarily.”

“His eyes narrow momentarily.”

“His eyes darken MOMENTARILY.”

“Oh. My.”

Maybe it’s my strict Calvinistic upbringing. 16 Years of attending Sunday School.

Maybe it’s being interrupted constantly. It’s hard to concentrate on the climax literary build up of a scene when in between “he applies the nipple clamps” and “My hips start tilting” I have to control, bath and feed  two children under the age of five.

Maybe it’s the sheer deliberately chosen brainlessness of the woman.

So I’m sorry Mr Grey, SIR. I’m just not that into you.

It’s not me.

It’s you.



Titanic revisited……



In love and old age….

Photo: Bringing sexy back....LOL



This is not a joke. It’s a real give away on Facebook as we speak.

Anybody want a spray mop???

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