….let there be shopping….

Archive for the tag “phobia”

Be Afraid. Be very afraid. ( But you can take our cushion )

( This post contains scenes and descriptions of a worrying nature. Do not read if you’ll be flying anywhere soon.)

Seen on Facebook :

There is good news this morning: Your Essential Travel Info airplane seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments – thanks Essential Travel Info team.”

Well, yes. Thank you an’ all. Will remember to take that free cushion…


I’m not a happy flyer.

And I don’t fly without at least three glasses of white swirling through my blood.

Without it I would not set foot on an aeroplane.

I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them during take-off and I don’t trust them in the air. And I don’t trust their ability to slow down to a standstill after landing so that I can get the hell out of there.


Over the years I have avoided flying wherever and whenever possible.

I’d rather sit in a Greyhound bus for 14 hours than sit in a 747  for 1 1/2 hours to get to the same destination.

I’ve been told that it’s because I’m a control freak. And that in order for me to feel safer in the air all I need to do is push my feet firmly into the aeroplane floor during turbulence.

( No. It doesn’t work. What works is alcohol. )

And saying Psalm 23 17 times over and over until we reach “flight height” and that little “ping” comes on to tell us we can now unfasten our seatbelts. ( And the drinks trolley is ready to come out. For more white. )

That’s another thing. I get the purpose of seatbelts in stopping a body propelling forward. But how is the seatbelt going to help me in the case of a body falling downward?

Ah. Yes.

That’s where the flotation cushion comes in….




Ggggood mmmmorning, Ssssir….

The scary thing about starting a new teaching job is THE MEETING WITH THE HEADMASTER. It is as inevitable as eggs frying when placed on a hot surface.

Not sure where I’m going with that image but it has something to do with me feeling like a cat on a hot tin roof when faced with authority. All jittery and agitated and unsure where to put my feet.

And it’s not just headmasters that give me the shakes. Also doctors who want to take my blood pressure, bank managers and hairdressers fingering my hair, looking at me in the mirror and going : “Mmmmmm………..”. Mmmmm, WHAT???


Ok. Let’s move along.

Back to THE MEETING WITH THE HEADMASTER. Getting this meeting right means:

1. Getting the “look” right. The “look” of a good teacher is friendly, approachable and dynamic, leaning towards the conservative. But capable of demanding respect and able to keep the peace.  Think navy. And white. No cleavage. No naked upper arms. No stiletto’s. No extended eyeliner.

2. A firm handshake. Not break-the-pinky and not jelly fish. Balanced and controlled strength.

3. The correct facial expression. Open, friendly ( again ). Come to think about it,  more of a I’m-friendly-now-because-I’m-meeting-you-the-headmaster-but-I-can-intimidate-the-pants-off-an-unruly-pupil-any-day-and-I-will kind of expression. No shaky lip with the smile. Heaven forbid.

4. Answering questions intelligently and also ( very important ) asking some. Intelligent questions.  To show that you’re not desperate to please and have a mind of your own.

Now I ask you. Isn’t that one helluva tall order to ask of any human teacher?

So I’ve come up with a “mental imagery” technique. I imagine whoever is intimidating me at the age of 2. In diapers. Throwing a tantrum of note.

It works because it makes me smile and breathe.

So that I can look friendly-yet-demanding-of-respect-with-a-mind-of-my-own.

Try it!

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